22 Jul 2014

The Man On Top Of The Mountain Didn’t Fall There!

Author: Hally Loe | Filed under: Animals, Blog, New-age, Personal growth, Self-help, Spiritual growth

I had mentioned on my facebook page, as well as here, in my blog, that I had made a life-changing discovery after some very, very hard work with my subconscious, and that I would talk about that soon. Well here it is.

I have had a lifetime of struggle with deprivation in all areas of my life. I have suffered great pain from not enough love and care in my relationships, not enough vibrant health to insure that I was able to do the things I loved, and not enough financial resources to insure my well-being, and that of those little beings I was in charge of.

I was blessed (I say “blessed” because I learned many huge life lessons from the experience) with a mother who had a psychopathic personality, and whose behavior was hostile and hateful, while at the same time well hidden from the general public behind a completely false persona of the kindly and helpful. But the truth was, that she hated be from the minute that I was born, and she worked tirelessly at sending me the message of her hate. She would constantly make me feel small, incapable, and unworthy, and would endlessly punish me emotionally, and sometimes physically.

Her psychopathic personality had been formed in her childhood, which caused her to believe that all other women around her had more power than she did, and that she did not have enough power, when around other women, to insure that she got the things that she wanted. And she had many selfish, unrealistic desires. Since I was the only girl in the family, I got the full force of her selfish, painful efforts to make me feel powerless, so that she could feel more power herself. Her disempowering machinations, as well as her punishments if I did manage to gain any form of happiness or abundance, were severe and never ending.

She was adamant that I not gain favor with anyone, or in any circle. And she would enforce that completely cruel desire by telling the most outrageous lies about me, if I ever dared gain any sort of popularity, or achieve any modicum of attention or love. The examples of these situations are endless, but I will tell you two of the most painful.

I had a brother who ended his own life, mostly because of the pain he too had suffered by being raised under our Mother’s psychotic rule and roof. His method of suicide was with one of his own guns. It was a sad and terrible waste of a beautiful human being. But my cruel mother used his death to hurt me too. I was living in the same small town as she and my father lived in. I had great popularity and renown in this town, both as an entertainer, as well as a tireless volunteer with the humane society. I was well-loved and well-thought-of in this town, and that angered, as well as threatened her to no end. So she tried to defame me, and she told everyone in that town that I had gotten my brother hooked on drugs and he had died of an overdose! And this lie was especially vituperous, because I am a person so against drugs and alcohol that the strongest medicine I have every taken is an aspirin! I have never, ever used drugs or alcohol! And knowing that, she wanted to start a rumor in our town using one of my strengths (being drug and alcohol free my entire life) to bring me down in the eyes of others!

But her biggest injustice was telling such huge untruths about me to my daughter, son, and entire family, that my son became completely estranged from me, and still is to this day. And his life too, has been one of pain because of the lies he has been told by this psychotic woman. So, so hurtful! It often seemed that the pain she tried so hard to inflict upon me would never end, even though I have not seen or spoken to her in over twenty years.

I knew that her mistreatment of me had resulted in a great lack of self-esteem; a lack that I knew had much to do with the great deprivation that I suffered. And I worked for years learning to overcome that lack. I learned to approve of myself, honor myself, and love myself, making up for the complete lack of all of those things that I grew up with, until I succeeded in finally developing healthy self-confidence.

But it was not enough. Something was still holding me back, and I COULD NOT FIGURE OUT WHAT IT WAS! I knew that whatever it was, it was buried deep in my subconscious. For our subconscious stores all of our emotional experiences and memories, and thus my subconscious had to be a cesspool of contaminated emotions and feelings. The pitfalls of the subconscious are emotional blocks and inappropriate emotional responses. In addition, emotionally sensitive people have more problems with subconscious emotional blocks than other people. And I was a very emotionally sensitive child. (Still am, but now I work hard at balancing that sensitivity with spiritual cognition).

But I was so intent on ferreting out this hurtful secret from my subconscious, and to be able to lead a happy, fulfilling, service-oriented life, that I took a drastic step this winter. I decided to take the entire winter and dedicate it to digging deep into my subconscious and convincing it, with all the power I have, to give up its secret.

So, I did not go to work, or socialize, or do anything other than work, and work, and work with my subconscious. I was a complete hermitess! And I did everything that I know how to do to access my subconscious and learn its secrets. I meditated. I prayed. I journaled. I programmed my dreams, because dreams are the best way to access the subconscious mind without your consciousness getting in the way. I took long, long, walks in the woods, just letting my inner voice talk to me, and mother nature nurture me.

It took five long months of daily, repeated, and unfailing work and intention, but at last I accomplished the huge feat of making conscious the contents of my subconscious that were holding me back. And this is it.

As an emotionally sensitive child, I took on the desires and feelings of those around me. My father’s feeling about me was apathy. He never wanted a girl child, and he really had no desire or care for my physical well-being. And my mother’s desire was for me to NEVER thrive, prosper, or grow; to suffer, have pain, and go without everything! As an extremely emotionally sensitive child, I took on those desires and feelings of the parental figures, and I held them within my emotional body (where our desires are also stored) as if they were my own. And since our subconscious mind works off our stored emotions and desires, my life reflected the desires of my authority figures, which I was subconsciously owning, and thus I suffered the extreme life-deprivation that I have already mentioned.

As soon as I made this momentous discovery, my life started to change, because I started to change. But my subconscious mind, as often happens, did not want to give up its long-held emotional responses, and it rebelled against my conscious application of my new way of being in the world; a way of being that was no longer accepting that old emotional conditioning of my parental influences, but rather, conditioning my life with my higher, more spiritually informed knowledge: that we are meant, by divine will and love to have love, joy, and abundance; and consciously choosing or willing that in my life. And my subconscious rebellion took the form of a severe back sprain after a fall while hiking. And it would NOT get better, no matter what treatments I tried.

So I went back to dream programming, with the intention to find out what I needed to do to heal my physical body, which I felt was not getting the memo from my conscious mind, but rather, was still listening to my subconscious mind. And I dreamed of a yoga master, who lives in our town, and whose name is Sundari. Sundari means beautiful, and this woman is not only beautiful inside and out, but she is a gifted healer. After one session with her, my subconscious mind said, “Okay! I give up! I see that you are now in control, and I defer to your greater consciousness”. And not only did my back heal, but things in my life are DRASTICALLY healing and turning around. More on these changes in further blogs. But for now, just let me express gratitude to the universe, to my wonderful daughter, Joy, who NEVER quit believing in me, to Sundari who is giving me back my physical health, to my wonderful niece, Darien, who is working tirelessly at mending the dysfunction in our family, and to my own self, for never giving up on my quest and intention to be a better, healthier, more spiritually adept physical being and light worker!

Blessings all!

Hally Loe

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